I recently started to record instances when I heard women apologize while engaged in a professional conversation.
Here’s a sample of some of the statements I heard:
- “Sorry for bothering you”
- “I’m sorry, but I don’t agree”
- “I’m sorry to break this to you”
The list of apologies I heard was not limited to these. I’ve also heard women leaders apologize for promoting themselves, being passionate about their beliefs, their body-image, showing emotion, and even their life choices.
There’s nothing wrong with apologizing when it’s warranted. Genuine apologies are essential for building trust and maintaining healthy relationships.
But habitual apologizing can dilute the sincerity and impact of a necessary apology. It can also be dangerous because it has the potential to weaken your self-belief.
This behavior needs to be scrutinized because it suggests a lack of confidence, muddles communication and sometimes even puts you in a subservient position.
Let’s talk about ways you can re-frame the apologies just mentioned so they’re empowering and don’t diminish your authority in a high-stakes environments like the workplace.
Find the full transcript and other resources for women leaders at https://livingwhileleading.com/7.
The Root Causes of Over-Apologizing in Women Leaders
The way you communicate in professional settings has its origin in deep rooted stereotypes. You’ve done and I’ve done it.
You begin your sentence by saying “sorry for asking, but…” This small, seemingly innocent word carries more weight than you can imagine. The word sorry has the power to erode your authority and make you appear less confident.
But why is it that you tend to over-apologize anyway? Especially compared to your male counterparts? The main reasons are:
- Social Conditioning: From a young age, girls are often conditioned to be polite, accommodating, and non-confrontational. Nurturing relationships and maintaining harmony is encouraged and comes at a cost of minimizing their voice and opinions. Over time, using apologetic language becomes a deeply ingrained habit.
- Fear of Perception: You apologize to avoid being perceived negatively. You fear being labeled as aggressive or bossy. Over-apologizing is an unconscious attempt to soften your approach so your statements appear less demanding.
- Self-doubt: As a high-achieving woman, you often struggle with the belief that you’ll exposed as a fraud. This fear can lead you to habitual over-apologizing as a way to downplay your expertise or authority.
Do any of these reasons resonate with you? Recognizing your triggers is a critical step in addressing this behavior.
Business Women Can Regain Authority and Communicate More Assertively
Uncovering the reasons that drive your impulse to apologize is an essential first step to communicating more assertively. The second step is to address the issue head on and break the habit. Here are 2 strategies to consider:
- Self-awareness and Mindfulness: Pay attention to the situations or interactions that often lead you to apologize unnecessarily. Being conscious of your language will help you catch yourself before you slip into the habit. With practice, you’ll find it easier to reformulate your statements and communicate more confidently.
- Re-frame : Instead of saying, “Sorry, I don’t have this project completed yet.” you could rephrase it as, “Thank you for your patience, I’m finalizing the project and will deliver it on Friday”. This not only removes the apology but also positions you as being in control and owning the situation.
How Women IT Executives Can Re-frame Apologies into Confident Expressions
Remember the apologies I mentioned earlier in the podcast? Let’s revisit them. Each of the sentences can be re-framed for more self-assured communication.
- Instead of “Sorry for bothering you.” try “Is now a good time to talk?”
- Instead of “I’m sorry, but I don’t agree.” try “How about a different perspective?”
- Instead of “I’m sorry to break this to you.” try “You’re not going to like this.”
Naturally, there are dozens of ways to rephrase these statements. The intention is to speak in way that authentically reinforces your authority.
It’s vital to understand that constantly saying sorry, doesn’t serve you. It diminishes your authority, chips away at your confidence, and dilutes your message.
Assertive communication is about expressing your needs, beliefs, and feelings in an open, honest, and respectful way that preserves your dignity.
I know you fear that reducing your apologetic language will make you appear less likeable, however, the opposite is true. People respect and trust leaders who communicate with clarity and confidence.
Reducing unnecessary apologies isn’t just about changing your communication pattern; it’s about shifting your mindset. This is about recognizing and embracing your worth, expertise, and rightful place in the room. You don’t need permission to assert yourself.
Be confident and communicate in a way that reaffirms your authority. Drop the “sorry” and stand in your power!
Remember, you are the solution to claiming what’s important to you!
