I was juggling a high-stakes project early in my career when my manager asked if I could also coordinate a big client event. Though overwhelmed, I smiled and agreed, driven by the need to be seen as dependable.
As weeks passed, I became exhausted, missing personal commitments and underperforming my core tasks. Despite all my efforts, the recognition I sought never came because I needed more time to excel.
It’s no secret that women executives face an array of challenges. One that doesn’t often make headlines but lurks in the shadows of our day-to-day interactions is the ‘disease to please.’
If you’ve ever caught yourself saying ‘yes’ when you wanted to say ‘no’ deep in your heart, you’re familiar with this ailment.
A YouGov survey found that 56% of women identify as people-pleasers, compared to 42% of men. This highlights the gender disparity in people-pleasing behaviors, which are more prevalent among women.
Why is it that high-performing professional women often feel compelled to play the role of the perpetual pleaser?
Find the full transcript and other resources for women leaders at http://www.livingwhileleading.com/55.
The Influences That Impact Women Leaders’ Compulsion to Please
For countless women leaders, the inclination to continually appease others is more than just a habit—a deeply ingrained response. Let’s unravel the roots of this behavior and the powerful influences that have shaped your decision-making.
From early childhood, girls are educated in the virtue of being ‘good.’ This cultural conditioning leads to an understanding that your worth is somehow intertwined with your ability to be accommodating and agreeable.
These lessons become embedded in the psyche with time, creating an almost reflexive urge to please, particularly in challenging environments.
Within the fast-paced corporate world, there’s an unsettling notion that saying ‘no’ could equate to missing a pivotal opportunity. This fear of missing out, also known as the FOMO Factor, becomes a strong pull towards the habit of saying ‘yes.’
The pressure to counteract biases in male-dominated spaces can be intense and lead to overcompensation. The thinking goes, “If I‘m constantly agreeable, I‘m more likely to avoid these pitfalls and be liked.”
Here’s another thing to consider. In the article “People-Pleasing: Why We Do It and How to Stop It” by Gregg Vanourek, Susan Schmitt Winchester, Corporate HR Executive and Author, commented on how organizations prefer people-pleasers and stated, “The corporate world loves people who are pleasers because we’re the ones who are always willing to take on any assignment.”
How People-Pleasing Can Diminish Women Executives’ Personal and Professional Value
One of the gravest costs of habitual people-pleasing is the steady erosion of your authentic self. Each ‘yes’ that stems not from genuine agreement but from the desire to please chips away at your authenticity. Over time, you risk becoming a stranger to yourself.
Sidelining your needs and desires to bend to the whims of others can develop into quiet resentment. This discontent can escalate and strain relationships, cloud your judgment, and affect your mental state.
In an ironic twist, your attempts to be perpetually accommodating and agreeable can dilute how others perceive your value. Not establishing clear boundaries inadvertently signals that your time, skills, and well-being aren’t priorities. This can unintentionally lead to diminishing your stature.
Strategies for Women High-Performing Women to Assert Their Worth
You may have fallen prey to this disease in your quest for professional success. Your desire to seek harmony is commendable, but you understand that perpetual people-pleasing doesn’t always serve you well.
Here are five key strategies to break free from this cycle:
- The Power of Introspection: The journey to overcoming the ‘disease to please’ begins with the ability to look inward. Understand the core drivers behind this impulse.
Is it a childhood narrative? A fear of being left out? Or perhaps it is a reaction to corporate biases? Pinpointing the root allows for targeted interventions, enabling you to transform genuinely. - Embrace the Power of ‘No’: Your ability to say ‘no’ will be a game-changer. This isn’t about obstruction or inflexibility. Instead, it’s about recognizing and asserting your worth.
Saying ‘no’ to one thing often means saying ‘yes’ to something of higher value—another professional opportunity or personal well-being. - Regular Feedback as an Anchor: Instead of seeking validation through perpetual agreeability, pivot to seeking regular constructive feedback.
This clarifies areas of strength and improvement and diminishes the need for external validation through constant accommodation. - Reinforce Self-worth: Remind yourself of your achievements, worth, and unique value proposition, by regularly reinforcing your self-worth, external pressure to please will diminish.
If needed, create a repository of positive affirmations, feedback, or accomplishments and revisit it, especially during moments of doubt. - Foster a Supportive Network: Cultivate a network of allies and confidants who understand and support your journey away from excessive people-pleasing.
Their insights, shared experiences, and encouragement will be invaluable. This network will also serve as a safety net, providing perspective when you falter.
The ‘disease to please’ is a silent adversary, yet its impact echoes loudly. Combatting this habit demands deliberate effort. Set firm boundaries, even when it feels scary.
I have a little assignment for you. Identify one situation in the upcoming week where you typically say “yes” out of obligation. Challenge yourself to practice saying “no” respectfully and assertively and reflect on the outcome.
And if you want, feel free to share your experience with me. You can find me on LinkedIn, and direct message me directly.
Reassert your self-worth, reclaim your autonomy, and chart a confident path forward!
Remember, you’re the solution to claiming what’s important to you!
