Today, we are going to talk about apologies. Yes, that’s right. I have noticed recently in my coaching practice and in the workshops that I deliver to large organizations that women tend to apologize even when an apology isn’t warranted.
I’ve heard things like, I’m sorry to break this to you. I’m sorry, may I interrupt you? I’ve had women apologize for promoting themselves and the wonderful things that they’ve accomplished in their careers.
Apologize for being passionate about certain interests that they have, apologizing for their body image or even their life choices.
The fact of the matter is, there’s nothing wrong with apologizing because it builds trust and helps you build relationships. But making a habit of apologizing reduces the sincerity of the apology. But it also starts to weaken your self-belief.
Find the full transcript and other resources for women leaders at www.LivingWhileLeading.com/51.
The Impact of Excessive Apologizing on Professional Women
I want to spend a little bit of time unpacking this, so let’s start. First, I think it’s worth examining what the impact of an apology could mean. It could suggest to the listener that you lack confidence.
It could also impact communication and hinder it by being less direct, putting you in a subservient position.
I’d like to spend some time exploring how you might be able to reframe apologies so that they become empowering and don’t diminish your authority in the workplace.
Root Causes of Over-Apologizing
Let’s be honest. The root causes of over-apologizing are deeply embedded in stereotypes. I’ve apologized, and you’ve apologized. Think about it. When you begin a sentence by saying sorry for asking, this little word, sorry, has the power to erode your authority and make you seem less confident.
But why do you tend to over-apologize anyway? Let’s unpack some of the reasons. Three main reasons lead to habitual apologizing are:
- The first one is social conditioning. As little girls, we are conditioned to be polite and accommodating, not to start trouble or make waves. We are told, and it’s believed, that we should nurture relationships and always maintain harmony.
We are supposed to do that at the expense of ourselves, which normally means minimizing our voices and prioritizing other people’s voices.
We don’t share our opinions. If you do this enough and start doing it from a young age, it will become a habit. - The other reason that could lead to over-apologizing is fear of perception. You don’t want to be viewed negatively. You don’t want to be viewed as being aggressive or bossy.
How many of us have been told we’re bossy when we’re just being assertive? You want to soften your approach. You want to seem less demanding. And so, the way to achieve that is to shroud whatever it is that you’re saying in an apology. - And the third reason is self-doubt. We’ve all heard of imposter syndrome. This imposter syndrome often leads you to believe that you’re going to be exposed as a fraud. And so, you want to downplay your experience and your expertise and your authority, and you do that by apologizing.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
Strategies Women Executives Can Use to Communicate Assertively
One of the first steps in managing the habit of over-apologizing is recognizing your triggers.
I challenge you to think about and reflect on every time you apologize and see if it fits into any of these categories. If it doesn’t, and if you have another trigger, please let me know. I’d be very interested to hear what you say about it.
Let’s discuss some ways to regain your authority and communicate more assertively.
- The first and very important step is understanding why you are choosing to apologize.
Think back on those interactions. Who is it that you’re talking to? What are the situations? - That’s part of the second step, which is self-awareness and mindfulness. Ask yourself, is there a particular situation that I’m confronted with where I always default and apologize?
Is there a particular person or group of people that I interact with where I feel the impulse to apologize? Knowing this is half the battle. You can already start to catch yourself before you start to apologize and quickly think of ways that you can reformulate your sentence. - The third step, reframing, is absolutely key. This sentence, “Sorry, I haven’t completed this project yet,” could potentially be rephrased as “Thanks for your patience. I will have this project delivered by Friday.”
You see what’s happened. Not only does this remove the apology, but it also puts you in a position of authority and ownership of the outcome, making you a much more assertive communicator.
This is the point in the show where I say, if you’ve listened this long, we should be connected on LinkedIn. Why don’t you send me a message with a connection request and tell me that you found me on the podcast?
Apologies Reimagined: Examples for Professional Women to Use
Let’s review a few examples of some other ways that you could reframe apologies.
- So, for example, instead of “Sorry for bothering you,” you could ask, “Is now a good time to talk?”
- Instead of saying, “I’m sorry, but I don’t agree,” how about trying? “I’d like to share a different perspective with you.”
- Or instead of saying, “Sorry for breaking this to you,” you could say, “You’re not going to like this, but …”
Do you see how each of these sentences conveys a different level of confidence?
You’re no longer the shrinking person who’s apologizing. You’re communicating much more assertively, standing in your power, and owning the statement.
Of course, there are many ways that those particular sentences could have been reframed. Your intention is to speak in a way that authentically represents your speaking style and also reinforces your authority.
Professional Women: Embrace Worth and Communicate with Clarity and Confidence
Saying sorry all the time doesn’t serve you. It diminishes your authority, erodes your confidence, and dilutes your message. You want to communicate assertively about your needs, beliefs, and feelings in an open, honest, and respectful way that also does not undermine your authority and preserves your dignity.
I completely understand that you believe you’ll be less likable if you don’t apologize. But I can assure you that the opposite is true. People respect and trust leaders who communicate clearly and confidently, and that’s you.
Whether you’re at the middle or top of your career, there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t work on building this muscle. I want to encourage you to reduce unnecessary apologies.
It’s not about changing your communication style but shifting your mindset slightly. This is about recognizing and embracing your worth, your expertise, and your rightful place to own the room. You don’t need permission to assert yourself.
Be confident and communicate in a way that affirms your authority. Drop the sorry and stand in your power!
Remember, you’re the solution to claiming what’s important to you!
